Blessed.

Monday, October 06, 2008

I couldn't stay away! I had two tests today and my next is on Wednesday morning, so I'm just taking a break before I dive into studying for spinal orthapedics. Now that I've rationalize my time on the computer when I have other things to do...

I just watched an old, Tivo'd Oprah on overwhelmed moms (the main story was on a mom who left her child in a vehicle who subsequently died of a heat stroke- ugh). After each commercial break, they played recordings of moms who called in to share their experiences of being overworked and overwhelmed, many of them mentioning they were juggling work and kids and college degrees. I watched with such sympathy for these women and kept thinking, "I hope that doesn't happen to me..." But then I think, "Are you kidding?? You can't even manage your life by yourself!" I already feel so overwhelmed MOST of the time, regardless of whether it's a mid-term week or not, and I only have a husband! I even developed stress-induced acid reflux (yummy, I know... it causes this lovely sensation where you feel like you can't breathe) last spring because of so much stress surrounding school and other life circumstances. And I don't even consider myself an uptight person! (Believe me, it's no skin off my back if I make a 91 or an 85.)

There are so many things I think, "I hope I don't end up like that..." when it comes to having kids: losing your body, not being fun, losing your sense of humor, losing the bond with your husband, losing your identify outside of motherhood. I can barely get to the gym now, how will I manage it with a baby on my hip??

I'll have to worry about those things as they come (which won't be anytime soon if I have anything to say about it!), but I did realize what a blessing it is that I can be in school right now and that be my main focus. As overwhelmed as I feel right now, there are parents in doctoral programs everywhere facing the same obstacles while still juggling so much more. There are moms in my program who go home to study and have two year olds waiting to play with them. I have so much respect for them; I couldn't do it.

I am blessed that I've known what I've wanted to do since highschool, that I could go to gradschool while I'm young, that I didn't have to career jump before I discovered what I wanted to do, that we can afford for me to be in school, that I have a husband who supports me and understands that there are times when I just can't be around and he has to pick up the slack (he even made my lunch this morning). And believe me, other than picking a great husband, I don't take much credit for knowing what I wanted to do at an early age, for having the means to go to school, for having the brains to get into school (and stay in school)... That's why I'm blessed.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

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